It’s been a weird start to my 2017. I have had so many fights with myself. I have been really struggling with finding myself and trying to comprehend what was going around me which, to be honest, has been going on for quite a while now. But I guess everything turned out fine in the end. I guess that I needed that. I know that I will face difficulties again and for the better part of the first quarter of the year people will probably think that I am still struggling. That is going to be there for sure. I won’t deny that fact and I also know that it’s going to take me down again and again. But that’s life, isn’t it?
All this while, all those thoughts clouded my mind and my vision and I haven’t been able to see and think right. I still can’t do it well, so no I haven’t changed with the new year. And frankly I don’t want to, too. This is not to change and this is not to the new year.
This is what I think I lost.
I forgot to be thankful.
I have discovered that there is this deep desire inside me to be needed, to be of some use to someone or something, and to be able to relate to others. Maybe that’s the reason why I have always been hell bent on becoming a Jack of all trades. I wanted to be there for everyone and forgot to be there for myself. If there were not enough players on the ground, I wanted to be there to fill in the space. If someone made a reference to a movie or a television series, I wanted to be there as the person who got the reference. If anyone had anything to share, I wanted to be there as the person who listened and understood and said the right things. If someone had a weird hobby, I wanted to let them know that they weren’t the only one. I just wanted to be there. And more than that I wanted people to approach me and ask me for favors and include me in their groups. And in the quest to quench my ego I lost sight of what I had and will always have; my family and some really stupid but irreplaceable people who call me their friend.
This one is for everyone who has been a part of my life, seen me at my best and my worst and most of all shared a part of their lives with me even if it was just a short conversation.
Thank you for putting up with my temper, my mood swings, my breakdowns, my nit-picking. Thank you guys for being there during my happiest hours, for teaching me all the things I know right now, and for letting me be a part of your lives.