My life has always been somehow related to the movies and television series. I have always tried doing things the way I saw on the television and now come to think of it everything I have done till now has been just a “copy and paste” from the screen. I have always (well, most of the time) ended up having sleepless nights because of this identity crisis. So, who am I? Why am I here? What’s my purpose in life?
For friends back in school I was and maybe still am Mr. Bean, or Gabbar Singh because these are the people they met in me, not my true self. I won’t call it impersonation but I have always copied dialogues from movies and television series. All this time, I don’t think anyone met me. And how would they, even I don’t know who I am. Who am I?
All my life I have imagined myself as the protagonist of a movie and thought that everything revolved around me. I would go on walks alone planning my next act, thinking about the past, and talking to myself like in movies. Like any hero in a movie, I wanted to dance, sing, make people laugh, do the right thing, try changing people. I thought I was always right because I was the hero of my movie. All life’s a play, and we must each play its part. Maybe I took that too seriously. Who am I?
And even playing the part of a hero, I couldn’t portray the real me. It has always been someone from the movies. If I wanted to make someone laugh, it was either Mr. Bean or some Bollywood comedians. If there was a football or basketball match, I became the players I always watched on the television. If there was a serious matter to talk about it was the movies that addressed similar situations that came into my mind. If I were to give advice to others, it was the advice I got from characters in the movies. So, who am I?
All my morals, my etiquette, my behaviors are all from movies. What heroes portray as good has been good for me. What they said was right, was right for me. What they said was wrong, was wrong for me. Maybe this is the reason why I can’t seem to accept things that exist in reality. For instance, recently I wrote about the pay hike and my stand was that people who would work even if the salary was reduced are the right people we need. But honestly, even I know these people only exist in movies and not in real life. See? Even I disagree with myself. So where does this put me? Do I even have the slightest idea of the soul living in my body? Who am I?
Imagining oneself as a hero and not having girls fall for you can sure be a round house kick on ones ego. Even my “love story” is like in some kind of movie. The hero falls in love with the girl, but can’t be with her, and now he can’t forget her. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just being pretentious and trying to portray myself as the faithful hero. Sometimes I even feel like I’m trying to advertise my sad story and gain sympathy from people. Who am I?
What’s my identity? What is my purpose in life? What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go to? Who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to say? When will I ever find my true self? Will I ever find out who I am? Who am I?