Monday, 14 December 2015

To My Brothers

If I were to write of the tales of our friendship I might end up writing a book, but you guys know I am too lazy to do that. This is just to sum up the summary of that hypothetical book

We met as strangers
Smiled awkwardly at each other
We had good things 
To say to one another 
Then we became friends
We had some highs
And had some lows
But in the end we stuck together
And that is how friendship grows
Now we are brothers
We don't talk or meet as much
But each one of us,
In our hearts, we know
We'll always be there for one another
No matter how old we grow
And no matter how far in life we go.

Saturday, 5 December 2015

Hypocrisy


According to the dictionary on my phone, hypocrisy is the claim or pretence of having beliefs, standards, qualities, behaviours, virtues, motivations, etc. which one does not actually have. And a hypocrite is someone who practices hypocrisy. Now from my 20 years’ experience I think I can safely say that everyone of us is a hypocrite; we all claim to be something when in actuality we are not. But it’s all about levels and whether one accepts this fact or not.
I am a hypocrite, which I am not proud of but I guess it’s all natural. I would say that my level is somewhere around 3-5 on a scale of 10, 10 being the highest. This might seem like I am blowing my own trumpet but it’s nothing like that. Here is why:
Whenever I talk or write about anything, I choose my words very carefully and most of the time it’s the honest truth. I don’t go about pretending to believe or doing things I sincerely don’t believe in. For instance; I really hate it when people don’t close the doors behind them when they enter or exit my room and I try my best not to do the same unless they say they want it open. It really irritates me when people make sounds while chewing food (maybe it’s because of my big ears) and I try my level best not to do it myself. I always make it a point not to litter simply because even if I can’t influence others not to litter, I’ll be doing my part. I don’t mean to say that all these are natural to me. It has taken a lot of practice over the years choosing the right words and doing what I say. At this point it looks like I am trying to push myself out of my own scale but don’t worry I still consider myself to be around 3-5. In a few lines you’ll find me right back on the scale.
 While blogging, I sometimes tell myself that it’s okay if not many people like or even read what I write. But the truth is I do care about these things. I want people to read and like my writings, that is why I share every post on Facebook after I am done (obviously, right?).  
Sometimes when I chat with my friends face to face or through the social sites and they tell me about their problems like feeling lonely, misunderstandings, etc. I find myself giving them a lot of advices on fighting through with their feelings and facing their problems. But at the same time I also have the same problems and I find it difficult to face them even though I am always yapping about the solutions to my friends. I tell them not feel lonely because someone will always be there if not me, but when I feel lonely I start doubting my own words.
I can write a very long essay or talk about the perks of being single, how it rocks and why it’s not necessary to be in a relationship but deep down I know that I want to be in one to be able to share a part or the rest of my life with. I get a little bit jealous of my friends who are in relationships and especially those who have been together for so long and are still going strong and seem to have found the Mr. or Mrs. Right. (This paragraph makes me look a little desperate, doesn’t it?)
I remember one time in school when we were asked what we thought the purpose of life was, I said that it was to attain enlightenment and even if we can’t attain enlightenment in one lifetime, each lifetime is an opportunity to move a step closer towards our ultimate goal. But look at me now; I still have desires and attachments, I still get angry and jealous, I say harsh things to people, I lie, I eat meat, and only pray when exams are near. I have ego and pride.
Right back on the scale, aren’t I? Some people might even put me on a higher level after reading this.




Thursday, 29 October 2015

Where Am I From

When people ask me where I am from, my answer always differs but all of them have one thing in common; they have two parts. Oh wait, there are two things in common; one is mentioned above and the other one is that I was born and raised in Thimphu. I am from Kurtoe but I was born and raised in Thimphu; I am from Sarpang but I am from Thimphu. Originally from Zhemgang, census is in Sarpang but I was born and raised in Thimphu (this one has three parts). I feel that I am a part of Thimphu as is Thimphu a part of me and I kind of feel proud whenever I say that I am from the capital. May be that’s the reason, you know, hailing from the capital city. This doesn’t mean that I am not proud of my origins from both my parents’ sides.
From my father’s side, I am from Kurtoe, Lhuntse. And what can make me more proud than this? It’s the ancestral home of our beloved monarchs. At this point I would like to point out that people who are from Lhuntse are not all Kurtoeps. The people of Kurtoe gewog who speak the Kurtoep language are the Kurtoeps. (Wow, too many Kurtoe and its derivatives in the paragraph). And it’s not just that, my father’s village is a very beautiful place to visit although the journey can be quite a bit tiring. For someone like me it’s heaven out there because when there are guests at a house, relatives and neighbours come to visit us at our house and instead of the host house serving food, the visitors bring food for the guests. That’s a part of the custom there and there are so many visitors each day. So you can imagine how much I get to eat when I am there. There are quite a few holy places in and around Kurtoe and of course the Dungkar Naktshang to visit. As I mentioned earlier, the journey to Kurtoe can be quite a tiresome one, but it’s always worth it when you are with your family and you get to see a lot of different places on the way, hear different stories and create a lot of wonderful memories during the journey. I have been there only a couple of times but they have all been great experiences. I rode a horse for the first time during my first trip, a wonderful family trip during my second visit and quite an embarrassing third visit. All in all I am proud of the fact that I am a part of such a beautiful place that has given me so many experiences during my visits there.
From my mother’s side I am a Khengpa from Zhemgang with my census in Sarpang. I haven’t been to Zhemgang yet but I plan to do so in the near future. And as for Sarpang or to be more precise, Jigmechholing gewog; the journey is comparatively quicker (by a day) and it is just an hour’s drive from Gelephu town on the Gelephu-Trongsa highway. I have spent most of my winter vacations there with my grandparents attending the annual ritual which is always a great time to get together with friends and family (although I do admit that I don’t “mix” around much). I have really fond memories from my time there and even some not so good experiences too. My first swimming experience(I still can’t swim), collecting firewood and nakey(fern), climbing trees, falling into cow-poop, meeting distant relatives for the first time, making new friends(mostly cousins who I don’t see that often), I tried betel nut (doma) for the first and last time with just a bite, doing “commando training” around the house. And the list goes on and on. The place has changed quite a lot with time; there are lesser shops along the road than there used to be and a few buildings have popped up. The buses don’t stop where they used to anymore, the shops from where we bought our “gum-boots” have disappeared, the house where I watched most of the Nepali movies I have ever watched is not there anymore, I can easily climb up trees and the cowsheds which were very difficult to climb as a round kid. I can now cover the yard in front of our house, where I used to race with my sister and cousins, in just a few jumping steps. Finding familiar faces has become a bit difficult. But even with all these changes, whenever I walk around the village, my memories are refreshed instantly, every time I walk by a familiar house, tree, ground or a face.  All I remember at that moment is all the fun I have had in the past and the not so friendly memories hardly come up. All these experiences have played a major role in shaping up the person I am today.
And finally ‘Ngye Thimphu’, the place I miss the most when I am at college. I have spent most of my life here so naturally I am very fond of the capital (it has a nice ring to it when I say it like that). I just love looking at Thimphu from places like Sangaygang and Kuenselphodrang and while on the road from Semtokha via the old road from Lungtenphu. Now, most of you guys might think that I must be knowing Thimphu like the back of my hand because I love it so much, but that’s nothing near the truth. I don’t know anything about it. Every time I think that I am getting to know Thimphu a little better, it surprises me with something else. Every time I walk through the town, it’s like a different place and most of the time I don’t know what is where. Of course I know my way around Thimphu, but if someone were to walk up to me and ask me for directions to the best momo places, or the best areas to go shopping for clothes or shoes, or the party place in town, I wouldn’t be of any help at all. But I guess that’s the beauty of it; I will never know Thimphu like the back of my hand but I will always be curious about it and be surprised every time I walk around. And it’s not just the town area, it’s the whole Thimphu valley. I have gone around the valley many times but it’s always something new the next time I visit. Thimphu, being the capital, has naturally given me a lot of exposure and opportunities to learn something new every day. It is because of the few opportunities that I took that I know what I know today. It keeps changing all year long and continues to give me surprises and new experiences every single day. All I have to do is hop into the “Thimphu Express” and see life differently every other day.
All the places I have been to are a part of me one way or the other. But these three places make up the most of what is me. They are a part of me and I a part of them and I am proud of that.
But wait........... this still doesn’t clear things about where I am really from, does it? Well, here is something to clear things up:
I am part Kurtoep and part Khengpa by birth. Lhuntshe and Zhemgang are a part of the Sharcho-khorlo tsip gye or the eight spokes of the eastern wheel (my translation) which means I am a part of the East or a sharchop. Khengpas are usually from the central areas so I also have a central “Bhutaness” in me. Sarpang is a southern Dzongkhag so that checks off the South. I never fail to mention Thimphu when talking about my origin, so even the West is covered. All that is left is the North, and the only way I can see now is to find a wife from Gasa maybe ;)
So this kind of makes me a whole BHUTANESE with a part from everywhere.
I am from Bhutan and I am Proud of it.






Sunday, 6 September 2015

Don't put the blame on LOVE

Go around and ask people anything about love and the most common answer you'll get is "love hurts". But does it really hurt? Is it really love that hurts? I know I still have a lot to see and hear and experience but I think I have a good enough grasp about this love business. I am not going to talk about what love actually is or that other people's concept of love is false or any of that stuff. This is what I personally think about love.
Personally I don't think that love hurts. It's the things that drag along that hurt. It's the misunderstandings, miscommunications and fear; the fear of 'No', the fear of breaking up, the fear of someone meddling. It's like a rose, you know, the petals are beautiful but to get to them you have to go through the thorns. It's not the flower itself that is hurting you but the thorns that are around it, protecting it that inflict the pain. 
When people are in "love" they experience so many things; some are good and some are bad. And then when something bad happens the blame goes to love. "She said no, love hurts", "he likes someone else, love hurts", "she broke up with me, love hurts", "he lied to me, love hurts" and so on. Maybe some of you'll agree to all this. But the way I see it is that it's not love that hurt these people, it's the rejections, jealousies, departures, lies and sometimes the way people show their love that hurts. When parents scold or hit their children for making a boo-boo it's out of their love that they scold or beat you. And of course this hurts but ask yourself is it their love that is hurting you or is it the way of showing their love that hurts. Like I said it's what comes along with love that hurts. This does not just apply to the love of a soulmate, it's the same for all; love for family, friends, co-workers, neighbours, all of them. Love doesn't hurt anyone. It's the one that brings a smile on seeing someone, the one that brings back happy memories, the one that brightens your day, the one that gives you hope. 
Take me for instance, I was also confused at first because when I heard that she was gone, I was really hurt. I might have also said that love hurts at that time because I was upset and not thinking straight. But now as I look back I know for sure about my feelings. Before I was not sure if I could call it love or just a big crush, but I am confident now. I did love her. And now all I have of her are beautiful memories. It was the silence between us that hurt me, not love. It was the fear of what people would say or think that hurt me, not love. It was my own cowardice that hurt me, not love. It was her departure that hurt me, not love.
Before starting this article, I was one of them who thought that true love happens only once but somehow it took a U-turn halfway through. I guess the human mind is really fickle. We fall in love with a variety of things and sometimes even people. What I figured now is that it's all about how deep we fall. And it may also be possible to fall for different people during different times but into the same depth. Sometimes we might fall so deep in love with someone that we might shut ourselves to the idea of falling even deeper for someone else. And sometimes we might find someone and think that maybe we'll find someone even better and lose the best. Sometimes we think we are not ready for it and sometimes we think that we have had enough. Our ignorance, ego, fear , jealousy, desire cloud our thoughts and blind us.  
Love is, like any other feeling or anything in this world for that matter, temporary. It's all about how long that temporary period is. Some might love for a few seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years but it will always have an end. But it's not necessary that the end is brought by one's own will. It might be because of someone else, some circumstance and of course ultimately death. And when the end comes it will hurt, but it's not love that hurt. Even if it was just for a day think about the warmth it gave you, think about the smile it brought to your face and on others too.  
Don't be afraid of love or hate it and most of all don't blame love. Love is for everyone, and comes in different shapes and sizes. Great things come in packages and so does love.


Saturday, 22 August 2015

Some Bottled Up Feelings


It’s been some time since my last post (like always) but it’s not like I haven’t been trying. I start out with a piece and then something always manages to push me away before I can finish it. But I guess today I really need to break the ice. May be pouring out my feelings that I have had inside me will help me clear my mind and finally find some peace. This post might just turn out to be like an entry in a diary but it is okay I guess. Everyone has to start somewhere.
First thing off my mind, I am a kind of person who over thinks a lot. And I mean a lot!!! For instance, I am 22 years old right now and haven’t been in a single relationship this whole time. So naturally this pops into my head every now and then. Normally what people in the same shoes might think about will be about how to go about asking someone out, what to say, who to ask and stuff like that. But me, I’m different. I don’t mean that I don’t think about such stuff, I just think more than that. One day I was thinking about this whole relation thing and then suddenly I started thinking into the future (more like day dreaming I guess). I saw myself married and having kids. One day suddenly one of my kids walks up to me and tells me that he likes someone and wants my advice on how to go about things. What was I supposed to say? I don’t have that kind of experience. Next thing, I’m all confused, not just in the dream but in reality too. Not just about what kind of advice to give but how in the hell did I even end up getting married in the first place (even if it was just a dream). I didn’t know whether I should laugh at myself or “roll up, try not to cry.... cry a lot”. I even think about what sports or instruments my kids are going to play, what kind of summer programmes I’m going to sign them up for, and stuff like that, A LOT!!!
And then to add salt to the wound (jaley pe namak chirak na) I am a very emotional person. I may not look like it (or maybe I do.....but hey, neither does a pineapple look like what it actually is). And to clear certain things being emotional doesn’t just mean crying because of something someone said or did. What people say and do around me forces me to use my superpower (over thinking) and then I dig out stuff from the past, related or unrelated, and keep on over thinking. I start losing my appetite, my focus, my interest and then I’m just lost. It’s not just what other people do that affects me, the things I do or think or say myself also push me back. For example, I have tried a lot to post something on my blog. I begin writing on notebooks, papers and sometimes even on the table and as I progress through the lines, my power starts working it’s magic. I lose myself into a maze of my thoughts and then end up not being able to complete what I started. Some of the things I wanted to write were about “Friendship”, “Love”, and “My Town Thimphu” and so on. You know what stopped me, my emotions and the train of thoughts that carried them. And to be truthful I haven’t had enough experience with any of the mentioned topics, so I always came up short.

Another thing that has stopped me from posting is that even if I end up completing a piece, I over think about how people will respond to it, what they will say, what they will think about me. This actually held me back a lot in the past too. I couldn’t confess my feelings to a certain somebody, I stopped trying hard enough, and even with this blog I erased some writings halfway through. And even after realizing what is holding me back, I can’t promise myself or anyone that I’ll change because I simply cannot change myself. 

Sunday, 12 July 2015

Impermanence


It has kept me awake
Through countless sleepless nights
My hand starts shivering
Heart beat increased two-folds
I can’t think of anything else
My efforts render useless
It’s the truth I fear the most.
I have read in so many books
And heard from so many great minds
I know there is no escape
There is nothing anyone can do
And I accept that it’s inevitable
Alas! I am but only a mere human
I fear it like so many others
Every bit of me wants to reject it.
It’s the truth that saddens me the most.
It helps during grim days;
I know it’ll be over soon
But it’s not much of a help either
When the sun is shining bright;
It tells me that
This too will be over soon.

It’s the truth that confuses me the most.

Thursday, 18 June 2015

A Final Letter

Hey,

I hope everything is good where you are. I am kind of doing good too, you know, like always..... tik tik chi ra. It’s just like how it was back then, I want to tell you a lot of things but I don’t know how and where to start.
There is no denying that I still miss you. I still dream about you and it helps sometimes, especially when I am feeling low. In the last one, I dreamt that we were back in school and there was some kind of function going on. And I was just stalking you, avoiding direct eye contact. It felt real, because even in my dream I couldn't gather up the courage to talk to you or even walk up to you. And then suddenly you walked up to me and asked me to pass you the glass (which magically appeared) behind me. I obliged. Then we started talking about stuff and somehow ended up fixing a date of some sort. And then suddenly, like in a movie, we fast-forwarded into the near future. We were walking near your house, holding hands (I even tried my hand on a little poetry about that moment). Then we came to a halt, you turned to me and told me that you’d soon have to leave. I fell on my knees, not knowing how to react.
I woke up and I still didn't know how to react. I was happy at first. At least my love story moved forward, even if it was just a dream and short lived. And then I suddenly broke down. Now I realize that maybe even if things had turned out like in my dream, in the end nothing can change fate. I don’t know if it was some divine power or just my mind telling me that there was nothing I could do to change what was already written. And that it was time for me to move on and stop dwelling in the past.
Whenever someone asks me what my biggest regret in life is, I say it’s not having been brave enough to even talk to you, let alone sharing my feelings for you up-front. But now having given it a lot of thought I think I’m leaning towards not being able to move on from what happened.
But this doesn't mean that I am going to forget everything. How can I ever forget everything, they will always be a part of me. Moving on doesn't mean that I have to erase all your memories, delete all photos or stop thinking of you. Moving on means that I won’t feel any regret when something comes up that reminds me of you.
I am running out of words now so I guess it’s time to say goodbye. I want to thank you for all the memories. And I am sorry for holding on to you for so long. I never realized that me regretting and thinking of you constantly and talking to an imaginary you, making promises, asking you to come in my dreams might not help your soul to rest in peace. But today is your day, so I guess I will pour out my heart this one last time for you.
So this is my final farewell. It was nice knowing you and falling head over heels for you.  But everything comes to an end eventually, and we have to accept it. Good-bye my dear friend.

Tuesday, 12 May 2015

My Aim in Life

Whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to become when I grow up, my answers varied from something as specific as Dzongkha teacher (my dad and uncle were Dzongkha teachers back then) to the most common ones like a doctor or an engineer. But these choices were because of the influence of the time, place and people around me. But I guess deep within, there was something else I wanted to be, something that didn't concern with what kind of job I would have.
I grew up watching a lot of movies, especially Bollywood movies, which explains a lot about who I am and what I want to do with my life. And by that I don’t mean what I wanted to do as an occupation. You know how the characters in a movie have that certain influence on the other characters, especially the lead characters. I wanted to become that person. I wanted to become someone who influenced other people, in a good way of course, someone people could rely on, someone people could look up to.
Initially, as I didn't eat enough Losars, my path to achieving this was a little off-track. I tried doing what the “heroes” of the movie did; dancing, entertaining, playing different games and sports, you know something like a jack of all trades. But now, having had about 22 Losars, I have come to realize that life is not a movie (finally!!!!). The heroes are just products of creative imagination. At one point of my life, I thought that I lost my own identity trying to become those people from the movies. I have realized that in order for me to become someone people look up to, I need to better myself in any one aspect of my life. Instead of being good in many things, I need to become the best at just one thing.
A part of me has always wanted to become a teacher, and it still does. Teaching is what I want to do irrespective of the job I end up doing. I am on the road to becoming a physiotherapist but that doesn't mean that I can’t teach. As I have already mentioned in one of my older posts, teachers are everywhere, in different forms, and doing different jobs. I have to teach people how to avoid injuries, how to perform different activities, how to handle injuries in the absence of professional hands. Just treating their conditions is not enough.
Not only that, but as a person with responsibilities towards my family, my friends, my community, and my country I want to be able to teach what I know, to teach what needs to be taught, and to teach to change lives.


Friday, 10 April 2015

Did you ever fall in love?

It was back in '07, I was in the eighth standard. I guess everyone knows how things are during school; friends teasing each other, creating rumors, silly revenges, humiliating one another in front of others. My "love story" was also sparked by something like this. There was this good friend of mine who I used to hang out with most of the time those days. Apparently a girl (who is now a good friend of mine) said that she admired my friend, so we started teasing him. So as a revenge he started teasing us with girls from other classes that we didn't know about.
That's the first time I heard her name. I didn't know her so I didn't take anything seriously and went on teasing my friend. Things went on and then suddenly I started getting annoyed. Why would they tease me with someone I didn't even know? But my friends continued. I did become a little curious but that curiosity finished as fast as it came. And my friends continued. I was really irritated at that point and asked my friends to stop it. They said that they would stop if i stopped and finally we reached an agreement. Suddenly it all stopped.
Then I started feeling empty, feeling incomplete. There was something missing now, and I couldn't pin point to what it was. And one day, if I remember it correctly, I did something that made me realize the cause of my emptiness. We are animals of habit, once something becomes a habit, it's harder than it looks to discontinue that habit. Out of nowhere I started teasing my friends again. Every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction, but somehow these reactions didn't seem to bother me anymore. That's when I realized that I had come to like hearing her name. I never met her before that or even know who she was or how she looked like. I had fallen in love with her name. I started scribbling her name on papers, played those silly name compatibility games, finding reasons to hear her name. ( by the way our names are 98% compatible if you know how that game works: 2Ls, 3Os, 1V and 3Es= 544= 98% :P ) 
After the year ended, I was really worried. I didn't know if I would ever get to hear that name again, worried if my friends forgot everything and stopped teasing eventually, worried if I could ever come to know a person with that name. That winter all I did during my quite hours was think about her name.
I don't know if it was because of my not so small forehead or my ears; my pride, that brought me such luck early the next year. I found out that we were going to the same high school, which meant that I was going to hear more of that name. Then I got luckier, we were placed in the same class, which meant that I could finally meet the girl with the name that took my heart. Then I saw her. I can't really remember my first impression of her. But that didn't matter, all I wanted was to know a person with that name and maybe be friends so that I could say that name openly without my friends teasing. But alas! it was not meant to be. Most of my friends from the year before were also placed in the same class with me, so this made it harder for me to approach her. I didn't want people to tease me anymore, because I was not in love with her, I was in love with just her name. But slowly and surely I got to know her a little by little from what was going around in the class. Now suddenly I started wanting to "see" more of her and not just only hear her name. At that time I had started having a crush on her. And that was inevitable, you know, she was pretty, intelligent, had a nice smile, was quite, simple (that from what I saw and heard from other people talking, because I was never able to talk to her myself). But that was it, for me she was just a crush who bore the name that I fell in love with. That year went by as usual, with my friends continuing to tease me and making it harder for me to approach her (but I don't blame them, I just couldn't take the step forward).
The two years that followed changed my life forever. My feelings for her kept growing, I wanted to see her everyday, and hear her voice. I started feeling sad and incomplete on days when she was on leave or when I couldn't go to school and Sundays. I suddenly wanted to be noticed by her, hoping that maybe she would break the ice, hoping that maybe she would also fall for me too. This was also the year that I got into social networks like Hi5 and Facebook. One day I was talking with a friend during a free period and he happened to mention to me that he was chatting with her the night before on Hi5. *A light bulb* I saw this as an opportunity for myself. I thought to myself that maybe I could at least start a conversation with her through the internet if not in real life. So I created my Hi5 account in about a week's time, so that things don't smell fishy. I added a few people before adding her. Chatting on Hi5 back then was not like on Facebook; you had to leave messages on people's walls and photos and therefore (as you might have guessed now) that ship sailed. ( A side note: No, I didn't create my Facebook account for the same reason. Hi5 was loosing it's charm and I wanted to go on with the flow).
As the year progressed, I slowly started realizing that it was more than a crush but then again I couldn't say that it was love because I didn't know what the word really meant, and I am still not sure about it today. This was the year I wrote the love letter that was never read, stole her mobile number from an unsuspecting friend, realized that we could never be together because the path of life she chose was different from mine. But even then I couldn't let her go, I couldn't let her go without telling her about my feelings. She did eventually find out about my feelings, not from me but from an anonymous messenger.
She chose her own path, a path that people of our age do not even think of choosing and that was something that made me fall even more for her. But it was not my place to try and change her mind, I had no right. I realized that I would, eventually, have to let her go. So I decided that I would at least talk to her once before we parted our ways and tell her what I felt whatever her response may be. But that never happened, I had my chances but it never happened. I was still hesitant thinking about what other people would say, especially my friends because I was in denial about my feelings through the whole time in front of other people.
And now I have lost her, we all have lost her for ever. But I just can't seem to let go of her because even now I have a little flickering hope that one day we will meet and I will tell her everything (maybe I watch too many movies, but it's true).
I have been thinking about it for a quite a long time now; Time is taking it's toll on me and it will inevitably continue to do so and I will lose some memories along the way. This is the reason why I am sharing my story today, so that I will always have something to remind me of her and also remind myself of who I was and who I am meant to be if I ever find myself lost in the future.