Friday, 10 April 2015

Did you ever fall in love?

It was back in '07, I was in the eighth standard. I guess everyone knows how things are during school; friends teasing each other, creating rumors, silly revenges, humiliating one another in front of others. My "love story" was also sparked by something like this. There was this good friend of mine who I used to hang out with most of the time those days. Apparently a girl (who is now a good friend of mine) said that she admired my friend, so we started teasing him. So as a revenge he started teasing us with girls from other classes that we didn't know about.
That's the first time I heard her name. I didn't know her so I didn't take anything seriously and went on teasing my friend. Things went on and then suddenly I started getting annoyed. Why would they tease me with someone I didn't even know? But my friends continued. I did become a little curious but that curiosity finished as fast as it came. And my friends continued. I was really irritated at that point and asked my friends to stop it. They said that they would stop if i stopped and finally we reached an agreement. Suddenly it all stopped.
Then I started feeling empty, feeling incomplete. There was something missing now, and I couldn't pin point to what it was. And one day, if I remember it correctly, I did something that made me realize the cause of my emptiness. We are animals of habit, once something becomes a habit, it's harder than it looks to discontinue that habit. Out of nowhere I started teasing my friends again. Every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction, but somehow these reactions didn't seem to bother me anymore. That's when I realized that I had come to like hearing her name. I never met her before that or even know who she was or how she looked like. I had fallen in love with her name. I started scribbling her name on papers, played those silly name compatibility games, finding reasons to hear her name. ( by the way our names are 98% compatible if you know how that game works: 2Ls, 3Os, 1V and 3Es= 544= 98% :P ) 
After the year ended, I was really worried. I didn't know if I would ever get to hear that name again, worried if my friends forgot everything and stopped teasing eventually, worried if I could ever come to know a person with that name. That winter all I did during my quite hours was think about her name.
I don't know if it was because of my not so small forehead or my ears; my pride, that brought me such luck early the next year. I found out that we were going to the same high school, which meant that I was going to hear more of that name. Then I got luckier, we were placed in the same class, which meant that I could finally meet the girl with the name that took my heart. Then I saw her. I can't really remember my first impression of her. But that didn't matter, all I wanted was to know a person with that name and maybe be friends so that I could say that name openly without my friends teasing. But alas! it was not meant to be. Most of my friends from the year before were also placed in the same class with me, so this made it harder for me to approach her. I didn't want people to tease me anymore, because I was not in love with her, I was in love with just her name. But slowly and surely I got to know her a little by little from what was going around in the class. Now suddenly I started wanting to "see" more of her and not just only hear her name. At that time I had started having a crush on her. And that was inevitable, you know, she was pretty, intelligent, had a nice smile, was quite, simple (that from what I saw and heard from other people talking, because I was never able to talk to her myself). But that was it, for me she was just a crush who bore the name that I fell in love with. That year went by as usual, with my friends continuing to tease me and making it harder for me to approach her (but I don't blame them, I just couldn't take the step forward).
The two years that followed changed my life forever. My feelings for her kept growing, I wanted to see her everyday, and hear her voice. I started feeling sad and incomplete on days when she was on leave or when I couldn't go to school and Sundays. I suddenly wanted to be noticed by her, hoping that maybe she would break the ice, hoping that maybe she would also fall for me too. This was also the year that I got into social networks like Hi5 and Facebook. One day I was talking with a friend during a free period and he happened to mention to me that he was chatting with her the night before on Hi5. *A light bulb* I saw this as an opportunity for myself. I thought to myself that maybe I could at least start a conversation with her through the internet if not in real life. So I created my Hi5 account in about a week's time, so that things don't smell fishy. I added a few people before adding her. Chatting on Hi5 back then was not like on Facebook; you had to leave messages on people's walls and photos and therefore (as you might have guessed now) that ship sailed. ( A side note: No, I didn't create my Facebook account for the same reason. Hi5 was loosing it's charm and I wanted to go on with the flow).
As the year progressed, I slowly started realizing that it was more than a crush but then again I couldn't say that it was love because I didn't know what the word really meant, and I am still not sure about it today. This was the year I wrote the love letter that was never read, stole her mobile number from an unsuspecting friend, realized that we could never be together because the path of life she chose was different from mine. But even then I couldn't let her go, I couldn't let her go without telling her about my feelings. She did eventually find out about my feelings, not from me but from an anonymous messenger.
She chose her own path, a path that people of our age do not even think of choosing and that was something that made me fall even more for her. But it was not my place to try and change her mind, I had no right. I realized that I would, eventually, have to let her go. So I decided that I would at least talk to her once before we parted our ways and tell her what I felt whatever her response may be. But that never happened, I had my chances but it never happened. I was still hesitant thinking about what other people would say, especially my friends because I was in denial about my feelings through the whole time in front of other people.
And now I have lost her, we all have lost her for ever. But I just can't seem to let go of her because even now I have a little flickering hope that one day we will meet and I will tell her everything (maybe I watch too many movies, but it's true).
I have been thinking about it for a quite a long time now; Time is taking it's toll on me and it will inevitably continue to do so and I will lose some memories along the way. This is the reason why I am sharing my story today, so that I will always have something to remind me of her and also remind myself of who I was and who I am meant to be if I ever find myself lost in the future.