Some Bottled Up Feelings

It’s been some time since my last post (like always) but it’s not like I haven’t been trying. I start out with a piece and then something always manages to push me away before I can finish it. But I guess today I really need to break the ice. May be pouring out my feelings that I have had inside me will help me clear my mind and finally find some peace. This post might just turn out to be like an entry in a diary but it is okay I guess. Everyone has to start somewhere.

First thing off my mind, I am a kind of person who over thinks a lot. And I mean a lot!!! For instance, I am 22 years old right now and haven’t been in a single relationship this whole time. So naturally this pops into my head every now and then. Normally what people in the same shoes might think about will be about how to go about asking someone out, what to say, who to ask and stuff like that. But me, I’m different. I don’t mean that I don’t think about such stuff, I just think more than that. One day I was thinking about this whole relation thing and then suddenly I started thinking into the future (more like day dreaming I guess). I saw myself married and having kids. One day suddenly one of my kids walks up to me and tells me that he likes someone and wants my advice on how to go about things. What was I supposed to say? I don’t have that kind of experience. Next thing, I’m all confused, not just in the dream but in reality too. Not just about what kind of advice to give but how in the hell did I even end up getting married in the first place (even if it was just a dream). I didn’t know whether I should laugh at myself or “roll up, try not to cry.... cry a lot”. I even think about what sports or instruments my kids are going to play, what kind of summer programmes I’m going to sign them up for, and stuff like that, A LOT!!!

And then to add salt to the wound (jaley pe namak chirak na) I am a very emotional person. I may not look like it (or maybe I do.....but hey, neither does a pineapple look like what it actually is). And to clear certain things being emotional doesn’t just mean crying because of something someone said or did. What people say and do around me forces me to use my superpower (over thinking) and then I dig out stuff from the past, related or unrelated, and keep on over thinking. I start losing my appetite, my focus, my interest and then I’m just lost. It’s not just what other people do that affects me, the things I do or think or say myself also push me back. For example, I have tried a lot to post something on my blog. I begin writing on notebooks, papers and sometimes even on the table and as I progress through the lines, my power starts working it’s magic. I lose myself into a maze of my thoughts and then end up not being able to complete what I started. Some of the things I wanted to write were about “Friendship”, “Love”, and “My Town Thimphu” and so on. You know what stopped me, my emotions and the train of thoughts that carried them. And to be truthful I haven’t had enough experience with any of the mentioned topics, so I always came up short.

Another thing that has stopped me from posting is that even if I end up completing a piece, I over think about how people will respond to it, what they will say, what they will think about me. This actually held me back a lot in the past too. I couldn’t confess my feelings to a certain somebody, I stopped trying hard enough, and even with this blog I erased some writings halfway through. And even after realizing what is holding me back, I can’t promise myself or anyone that I’ll change because I simply cannot change myself.