My Legacy?

 I always thought I was afraid of dying.

It's obvious, death is inevitable and all of us have to face it sooner or later. I've always known it like everyone else. And still I have never been able to come to terms with it so to speak. I always thought that the reason behind was that I was simply afraid of dying like most people. The thought of death and what lies after it has kept me awake for countless hours since my high school days. The thought of death has haunted me on busy days and long weekends, on bus rides and long drives, in meeting halls and toilet stalls.

But today at work, as I contemplated the idea of death and tried to understand why I have always been afraid of it, I realized that I was not afraid of the actual act of dying and what happens to my body and my soul after my death. I don't consider myself to be a religious person and I have never had a concrete opinion on wether life after death exists. At the same time I also never dismissed one or the other side of this debate. I've always been sceptical of both arguments. Therefore, I thought this is where my fear of death stemmed from; not knowing whether this life was it or if I'd get to come back as someone who'd have the right believes and the motivation to try and escape this cycle of life.

I was wrong. I've always thought highly of myself and convinced myself that my fear of death was a result of the philosophical debate I had with myself. I realized today that I'm not as complicated and sophisticated as I thought myself to be. I am only human. And I have very human feelings. 

I am just afraid of being forgotten.

This explains most of the things I do and want to do. I remember posting here my bucket list a long time ago ( not a few years ago because it really has been a long time since I wrote anything on here). I had stuff like adopt a child, write a book, write a song, become a better artist, make someone's dream come true to name some. They all have one thing in common: I want to leave my mark before I kick the bucket. I haven't done any of these and I don't know if I will ever be able to. 

Even this blog is something that people can use to remember me, provided people still read blogs in the future or they somehow manage to stumble onto my little page. Other things that I do like the random and scarce posts on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok or Youtube are things that put me out there so that I am not forgotten. Of course, till now I have never done any of these things intentionally and explicitely for the purpose of not being forgotten. I just thought I was doing them to be hip (yes, I am old) and keep up with whatever is trending at my own pace. 

And yes, I have some videos up on Youtube and this is the first time I am making this information public although I doubt most people wiil read this whole article. Some people will just like the post when I share this on Faccebok or Instagram as a courtesy. But if you did actually get to this point, you can go check out the vidoes on Youtube. It's only videos of me drawing anime characters for now but I plan on putting upmother stuff on there. Maybe you can consider following my channel, but mostly I want video ideas for now. I started putting up the videos there because I wanted to get better at putting myself out there and be more confident with social interactions and speaking my mind.

Another thing that I want is to have children of my own. All the stuff I mentioned above are, yes, things that may help me to be remembered but I think having my bloodline continue for ages is the most sure shot way of being remembered. Or at least I will  good good for the next three to four generations.

I'm feeling really sleepy right now, so I will stop here. When I started writing this last night I didn't intend this to be a complete article with some sort of conclusion so I don't feel obligated to write one for this article to make sense. I think this is exactly the reason why I lost my interest in writing for all these years. Whenever I sat in front of a blank page or a computer/laptop to write something I could not finish what I was writing and I didn't want to upload an incomplete work which didn't make any sense which is why I didn't post anything on this blog here  for so long.

I will finish this rambling today with this quote from my favourite anime of all time; One Piece.

"When do you think people die? When they are shot through the heart by the bullet of a pistol? No. When they are ravaged by an incurable disease? No. When they drink a soup made from a poisonous mushroom!? No! It's when... they are forgotten." 

The legacy I want to leave behind is not for fame, glory or money. It's simply because I am afraid of being forgotten.