The Narcissist.

Oh how I have always misunderstood what narcissist meant. And I always thought I wasn't one. There was no way I was one. But then I googled it's meaning today right before I started witing this. Why, you might ask. 

I was frustrated at work today, totally lost my temper again. I had so many thoughts rushing through my head as I finished up work and drove back home. I actually wanted to justify my feelings at first. I wanted to do a social commentary on other people's morals and principles or at least of what I presumed they were. And compare it to my own morals. By the time I sat down to write this, I had some time to think and take a deep breath.  My wife has this thing she tells me to remember whenever I lose my temper, especially because of what others do; 'Who are you? Who are you to them? What gives you the right to be mad at others? How is you losing your temper going to change anything?'

A "narcissist" refers to someone exhibiting traits of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.

This is who I am. I have realised this a long time ago that I had an inflated sense of self importance. Anyone who has read my older writings might remember how I said I always felt like the main character and how I behave in front of others stems from this. In the heat of the moment I feel like I am the only one with good morals and therefore others should think like me too. 

I have always been a people pleaser and as far as possibe tried to impress others because I have this insatiable need to be admired, especially when it is outside my immediate family. No one has ever said up front that they admire what I do or how I think, but I imagine that's what they all say. And because of that I fell the need to be on the top of my game or at least what I think is the top. I try helping others as much as I can and if they can not or do not do things like how I think it should be done I take it upon myself. And in return, somewhere deep down, I feel that I am seeking their admiration by doing that.

To be honest, empathy was something I never thought I lacked. I know I am not the most empathetic but I never realized that was what I lacked the most which is why I keep losing my temper. I judge people too quickly and rever consider where someone is coming and with what mindset. 

I just wrote the last part right now in the evening. Most of it was written earlier in the morning so I have lost my train of thought. The main point was that I realized today that I am a narcissist (not clinically diagnosed). Plus I have also calmed down a bit so I don't want to dig up that feeling again so I will leave it at that. Normally when something like this happens, I abandon the whole piece and forget about it all together and not post it. But I am posting this half baked thought here. I will not be sharing it anywhere else though. I need this to be a reminder to myself about how bad I felt today about losing my temper and how it almost ruined the whole day.