To Do or Not To Do.

 I have always been an attention seeker, I guess. Which is probably I was an angry kid back then. I was violently angry, especially at home and around people who were close to me. I wanted people to like me and give me attention so when ever things didn't go my way I'd throw a fit and be loud enough for people to notice. I am also a people pleaser which is also, now that I think about it, maybe a way for me to gain attention. And I think I've said this before; I want to be remembered long after I am gone.

Back then, when social media was not as big as it is today, I thought one of the ways to be able to realize my attention seeking goal was to write a book or two and to achieve that I needed to start writing. So, I started "blogging". But that didn't have the effect I was expecting, I didn't become a good writer, I couldn't become a consistent writer and I didn't get the attention that I wanted. I got reactions, yes. There were a couple of people who told me that they waited for my next blog post. But that wasn't enough for me. And slowly, I lost interest, not only because people stopped reading long blog posts, and moved to just posting pictures and short captions  but also because I failed to grab as much attention as I wanted. 

Over the past couple of years, I did try writing blogs again in the form of book reviews but nothing worked. I guess I'm expecting too much from a lost form of creative outlet plus it's not like I'm producing masterpiece after masterpiece.

And also I actually started writing this post today to talk about something else but I've gone a bit astray here which is another reason I failed at what I set out to do. Every time I tried write about something, I'd find myself going off tangents and find it too much a work to try to find my way back to my original idea. I'm doing it again.

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about today was my dilemma (I forgot this is how dilemma is spelt, my mind just exploded a little) of whether to TO DO OR NOT TO social media seriously. It's mainly Youtube and TikTok when I say social media. Again this goes back to me wanting attention but now with how big these platforms have become, there also the opportunity to make something on the side or even make a living out of it. Although, I don't think I have it in me to fully dedicate myself to this as my main source of income I do feel like I can do it as a side hustle or just as a creative outlet that gives me a little bit attention I seek every now and then. But I must be honest, a little bit is already something I get every now and then, I want it to be more, and as frequent. 

A few years ago, I was basically living by myself. My wife had left her teaching job and was living in Thimphu staying with my parents, helping my mom and also trying to take care of her own house. I had plenty of free time so I started making some random videos on TikTok. I was getting a little attention, not in numbers mind you. I just had people telling me they saw my videos and they liked it and told me to keep making videos. Because I had so much time and was trying to come up with videos I was able to come up with some creative ideas. I'd run into some obstacles like not having people to help me with the videos (I actually never asked, I just didn't want to bother others and I also feared rejection), not liking how the video was edited, not finding my own idea as exciting as when I had it and the nail in the coffin was the numbers. I had more people telling me they liked my videos than I had followers or views. Eventually I stopped making videos as frequently and consequently stopped having any ideas too. 

In the last one year, I created a Youtube channel and have tried putting up a video or two every now and then whenever I feel a bit motivated to or when I have an idea that I am not embarrassed about. I've recorded so many video clips in this past one year, I had to move all those videos onto a hard drive so I could free up some space on my phone. I've also been trying to post videos on TikTok every now and then and because of that, I think I get ideas more frequently now. I record my ideas, sit down to edit the video and then I ask myself, "Why am I even doing this?". And just like that I go down a spiral, have debates in my head with myself and more often than now, the whole idea gets dumped.

A couple of weeks ago, I thought I found my reason to create more. This past year, I have been journaling daily, which has helped me in a lot of ways especially with my thoughts and state of mind. Also, in order for me to keep journaling, I felt that I needed to try things so that I had something to journal about or keep track of, one of which was trying to build good habits like lowering my screen time. I found that I was able to keep my screen time under 6 hours during the weekdays mainly because I work 2 jobs at the moment, and it goes up during the weekend when I don't have to work. I wanted to try and bring that down as well so I looked into why and what I was consuming and how I could reduce it. And out of nowhere, a voice in me said, "create more, so that you do not have the time to sit and consume". I was inspired. I kept telling myself this almost like a mantra and kept working on ideas or at least tried to. But I haven't been able to. I still keep asking myself the same questions, go around in circles with my ideas and end up not posting or creating anything. 

And yet again I went off in all sorts of directions today and now I don't remember what I initially set off to talk about. Let's just keep it simple for now:

Why do I want to do this? Do I really want to put myself and my life out there for people to see and judge? I know it's not as easy as it seems to make videos and it's a whole different story of people liking it or not liking it, so why put it all that effort?